Oh Give Thanks

Quite chilly waiting for the sunrise on Monday.
This is frozen seawater.

     Ah November… I recently heard someone describe November as the Thursday of the year, and since I’m assuming they meant that as an insult, I have to disagree. I love November. I'll be sad when it's over tomorrow. Granted, I may be a bit biased since my birthday is at the beginning of this month, but even without that bias I think I’d still love November. It’s the month of true fall, or at least that’s how it seemed this year. In September and October, the leaves change color and are absolutely stunning, but the weather’s still fairly warm, the colors are vibrant, and the sun shines. November is the time when the world slows down and prepares for winter. It’s the time when you can finally bust out those hats, scarves, and mittens, and layers become a necessity as the weather turns cold. Snuggling up in a fluffy blanket with a cup of hot cocoa or cider becomes completely acceptable. The colors may not be bright and eye-grabbing, but the muted hues have a loveliness of their own. At home, and sometimes here as well, the fog rolls in, bringing a mysterious beauty to the mornings and evenings. Sure, November also brings an increase in the rain and gray, but I don’t mind that. I like the rainy days (though it is nicer to know ahead of time and not be surprised after you've already walked to work). For Americans, November also is the month when, at least for one day, we are encouraged to spend time with those we love and give thanks. Even though Thanksgiving was two days ago, feel like it's always appropriate to give thanks, so here are just a few things for which I'm grateful.

• Family and friends: I feel like this one's a given, but this year I have truly been blessed by loved ones both far and near. It was so nice to be at home last year and reconnect with everyone back there, and it has been just as nice to come back to the East Coast and spend time with friends over here. I not only get to live with two friends, but I also have family to visit and spend Thanksgiving with, which is pretty wonderful. Plus, this year I get to add to my family not once, but twice! First my sister married a charming fellow named Seth and I finally got a brother. Now my cousin is pregnant and due to have her second child is due in just a few days. If he's anywhere as adorable as his older brother we're all in danger of a cute overload. 
  
• Nature: Yet another area where I've been incredibly blessed. Both Oregon and Massachusetts are such lovely places. At home I lived in the country and was surrounded by nature from the moment I woke up. Here I am still surrounded, even in the city. You just have to know where to look. Also, it doesn't take long to drive beyond the reaches of the suburbs and find granite hills or colorful forests or ocean shores. I'm incredibly grateful to one of the girls from my program who told me about a new route to use to drive to the T. It's debatable whether or not it's faster, but instead of spending each morning being stressed out as I go through the shady part of Lynn and face stop lights, heavy traffic, and crazy jaywalkers, I now get to drive along the ocean and watch the lovely scenery go by. It's done wonders for improving my commuting experience. 

  

  Not many cities light off fireworks for Halloween. 

• Salem: I'm really enjoying life in this city. It's a bit quirky, and the tourists can get insane, especially around Halloween, but I like it. I think I still see myself settling down in the country one day, but for now I'm enjoying the city experience. My apartment mate just found the list of all the holiday events happening this month and I am pretty excited. 

  

  There's a good reason why my first three purchases
  for the apartment, and two of my DIY projects,
  had something to do with coffee: it's wonderful. 

• A job: I'm sure going through PA school without a job would be a bit easier time-wise (and I probably will have to cut back on hours or eventually quit as the program goes on), but I truly have enjoyed working and having a job. Part of it is the free coffee (yet another thing I'm very grateful for), but really it's the coworkers and the customers who make it worthwhile. I've been incredibly blessed to have great coworkers both in Oregon and in Massachusetts, and they make work very enjoyable for me. I miss my old coworkers, but I'll get to see some of them soon, and my new coworkers have made me feel very welcome. In fact, on my first day here I was told that my manager had an important question for me, and I was a bit nervous until she asked if I liked Harry Potter. She and my shift that day were quite pleased to hear that I do, and my shift welcomed me to the "nerd sanctuary," explaining that most of my new coworkers were big nerds who would love that I know and occasionally share rather random facts. The excitement when they learned that I have a Hobbit house in my backyard at home lasted for days. It's not just the other baristas who are awesome either. My managers at both stores have been wonderful and supportive of pursuit of PA school. Whether asking for time off for interviews or explaining that my availability may change suddenly due to classes or exams, they've both been considerate and willing to work with me to come up with the best solution. 
• PA school: Yes, it's tough. Yes, it can be frustrating. Yes, it's caused some tears. Despite all that though, it's worth it. I truly do enjoy it and the things I'm learning, and no matter what happens with pharmacology in just over a week, I know it's where I'm supposed to be. 

This list could be much longer, but it's my bedtime and tomorrow will be full of genetics studying so it's time to sign off. I hope everyone is having a lovely day and enjoying the little blessings we've all been given.

Just a lovely morning in northern Vermont. The sun is rising over the White Mountains in New Hampshire.

Be Still (3/30)

It feels a bit overdue, but today I finally have a new post. Part of the delay has been the busyness of school, but the bigger part is that, even though I have a couple in-progress posts I’ve been working on in spare moments for weeks, none of them seemed to fit where I am right at this moment and I needed to write one totally from scratch.

These last two weeks have been hard. Possibly the hardest time of the whole term. Multiple factors seemed to come together at just the right moment to make life extra difficult. From a brief illness to figuring out next semester to writing difficult emails to professors, all on top of school and regular life, it was a lot. Really though, the biggest problem was pharmacology.

This is my life now, and not just right before an exam.

Pharmacology continues to be the bane of my existence. I’ve never had so much trouble with a class before, and the problem seems to still be the rote memorization of the drugs and their multiple names because I usually understand the mechanism of the drugs just fine. For this last exam I’d studied so hard and when I finished I’d felt confident that I’d done well. Then I got my grade. I had indeed done much better than the last time, but I’d just barely missed passing. More frustrating was two days later when I was given the chance to see my exam and I discovered multiple stupid mistakes such as forgetting to fill in an answer bubble or misreading one word. On the one hand I was at least glad to realize that I’d actually known the answers for those questions, but that didn’t change the mistakes I’d made or the fact that they’d negatively affected my grade. To say I was upset would be an understatement. Looking at my grade average and figuring out what score I need to get on the final was like discovering an unexpected chasm in my PA journey, and one with no bridge in sight; there was just a deep, wide expanse. There were tears. Many, many tears.

Luckily my post does not end here. I am very blessed to have friends and family who encouraged me. They showed their love, sympathy, and support even across the distance. I appreciated all the uplifting words, though it was my old roommate who may have helped the most. She reminded me that, pass or fail, my identity is in Christ and is not dependent on my achievements as a PA student. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Obviously, I want to pass pharmacology and not have to repeat it next year, and frankly, this is an attainable goal. However, I do know that my value and identity will not be any less if I don’t pass. It would be lame. It would be more than lame. There would be a river of tears. But despite the pain and frustration, failing would not make me less of a child of God and that’s all that matters.

Whenever I struggle with remembering my identity or who is in control, it’s good to have something to remind me. Sometimes it’s friends, sometimes it’s events, and, for more than a year now, it’s often been music, one song in particular. On their last album, the band called The Fray included a song titled “Be Still.” This title is evocative of Psalm 46:10 which says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” While it’s not explicitly stated, the song can easily be seen as God speaking to and comforting His children. It’s not only a beautiful and peaceful song (I first heard it because I was having a panic attack before giving my thesis presentation and a friend suggested I listen to it to calm down), but it’s so encouraging. I’m linking the song so anyone can listen to it. Different parts of the lyrics have stood out to me at different times over this last year, but the overriding message that God is always there and in control no matter my feelings, has always been applicable and a comfort. I hope you all will find this song as much of a blessing as I have.

I have a couple positive notes before ending. On Wednesday I had the chance to remediate my pharmacology exam. This meant that I took another exam similar to the first one for the chance to bring my grade on that exam up to passing. Timing was not ideal since it came just one week after the first exam, and just two days after a genetics exam, and it was in the morning of the longest day, but I did it: I passed. Sure it only increased my grade by three points because no matter how well I did I could only bring my grade up to the minimum passing value, but I don’t really care. I’ve proved to myself at least that I do know the material and that I can do well on pharmacology exam again. Then, today I had a pathophysiology exam and I did better on this than any of the previous exams, so that’s a morale booster. Finally, this morning before the exam I got up early to watch the sunrise on my way to school. It was cold (14° plus wind chill) and I’d forgotten my gloves and scarf, but it was totally worth it. Not only was it beautiful, but it was a much needed reminder that the darkness doesn’t last. Whether my darkest time in PA school was a week ago, or whether it’s still coming, I know God’s in control and the light will follow. That being said, finals are during the second week of December, so I while I’ll try to get up another post during my break, I can guarantee that radio silence will be coming soon as I try to study like a maniac and blow that pharm final out of the water. 

Sunrise over the Atlantic
The city of Swampscott is to the left and you can just see Boston in the distance on the right.