Be Still (3/30)

It feels a bit overdue, but today I finally have a new post. Part of the delay has been the busyness of school, but the bigger part is that, even though I have a couple in-progress posts I’ve been working on in spare moments for weeks, none of them seemed to fit where I am right at this moment and I needed to write one totally from scratch.

These last two weeks have been hard. Possibly the hardest time of the whole term. Multiple factors seemed to come together at just the right moment to make life extra difficult. From a brief illness to figuring out next semester to writing difficult emails to professors, all on top of school and regular life, it was a lot. Really though, the biggest problem was pharmacology.

This is my life now, and not just right before an exam.

Pharmacology continues to be the bane of my existence. I’ve never had so much trouble with a class before, and the problem seems to still be the rote memorization of the drugs and their multiple names because I usually understand the mechanism of the drugs just fine. For this last exam I’d studied so hard and when I finished I’d felt confident that I’d done well. Then I got my grade. I had indeed done much better than the last time, but I’d just barely missed passing. More frustrating was two days later when I was given the chance to see my exam and I discovered multiple stupid mistakes such as forgetting to fill in an answer bubble or misreading one word. On the one hand I was at least glad to realize that I’d actually known the answers for those questions, but that didn’t change the mistakes I’d made or the fact that they’d negatively affected my grade. To say I was upset would be an understatement. Looking at my grade average and figuring out what score I need to get on the final was like discovering an unexpected chasm in my PA journey, and one with no bridge in sight; there was just a deep, wide expanse. There were tears. Many, many tears.

Luckily my post does not end here. I am very blessed to have friends and family who encouraged me. They showed their love, sympathy, and support even across the distance. I appreciated all the uplifting words, though it was my old roommate who may have helped the most. She reminded me that, pass or fail, my identity is in Christ and is not dependent on my achievements as a PA student. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Obviously, I want to pass pharmacology and not have to repeat it next year, and frankly, this is an attainable goal. However, I do know that my value and identity will not be any less if I don’t pass. It would be lame. It would be more than lame. There would be a river of tears. But despite the pain and frustration, failing would not make me less of a child of God and that’s all that matters.

Whenever I struggle with remembering my identity or who is in control, it’s good to have something to remind me. Sometimes it’s friends, sometimes it’s events, and, for more than a year now, it’s often been music, one song in particular. On their last album, the band called The Fray included a song titled “Be Still.” This title is evocative of Psalm 46:10 which says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” While it’s not explicitly stated, the song can easily be seen as God speaking to and comforting His children. It’s not only a beautiful and peaceful song (I first heard it because I was having a panic attack before giving my thesis presentation and a friend suggested I listen to it to calm down), but it’s so encouraging. I’m linking the song so anyone can listen to it. Different parts of the lyrics have stood out to me at different times over this last year, but the overriding message that God is always there and in control no matter my feelings, has always been applicable and a comfort. I hope you all will find this song as much of a blessing as I have.

I have a couple positive notes before ending. On Wednesday I had the chance to remediate my pharmacology exam. This meant that I took another exam similar to the first one for the chance to bring my grade on that exam up to passing. Timing was not ideal since it came just one week after the first exam, and just two days after a genetics exam, and it was in the morning of the longest day, but I did it: I passed. Sure it only increased my grade by three points because no matter how well I did I could only bring my grade up to the minimum passing value, but I don’t really care. I’ve proved to myself at least that I do know the material and that I can do well on pharmacology exam again. Then, today I had a pathophysiology exam and I did better on this than any of the previous exams, so that’s a morale booster. Finally, this morning before the exam I got up early to watch the sunrise on my way to school. It was cold (14° plus wind chill) and I’d forgotten my gloves and scarf, but it was totally worth it. Not only was it beautiful, but it was a much needed reminder that the darkness doesn’t last. Whether my darkest time in PA school was a week ago, or whether it’s still coming, I know God’s in control and the light will follow. That being said, finals are during the second week of December, so I while I’ll try to get up another post during my break, I can guarantee that radio silence will be coming soon as I try to study like a maniac and blow that pharm final out of the water. 

Sunrise over the Atlantic
The city of Swampscott is to the left and you can just see Boston in the distance on the right.